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almost aloe aloft aloha alone alongside aloof alphabet alright although altitude alto aluminum alumni always amaretto amaze amazingly amber ambiance ambiguity ambiguous ambition ambitious ambulance ambush amendable amendment amends amenity amiable amicably amid amigo amino amiss ammonia ammonium amnesty amniotic among amount amperage ample amplifier amplify amply amuck amulet amusable amused amusement amuser amusing anaconda anaerobic anagram anatomist anatomy anchor anchovy ancient android anemia anemic aneurism anew angelfish angelic anger angled angler angles angling angrily angriness anguished angular animal animate animating animation animator anime animosity ankle annex annotate announcer annoying annually annuity anointer another answering antacid antarctic anteater antelope antennae anthem anthill anthology antibody antics antidote antihero antiquely antiques antiquity antirust antitoxic antitrust antiviral antivirus antler antonym antsy anvil anybody anyhow anymore anyone anyplace anything anytime anyway anywhere aorta apache apostle appealing appear appease appeasing appendage appendix appetite appetizer applaud applause apple appliance applicant applied apply appointee appraisal appraiser apprehend approach approval approve apricot april apron aptitude aptly aqua aqueduct arbitrary arbitrate ardently area arena arguable arguably argue arise armadillo armband armchair armed armful armhole arming armless armoire armored armory armrest army aroma arose around arousal arrange array arrest arrival arrive arrogance arrogant arson art ascend ascension ascent ascertain ashamed ashen ashes ashy aside askew asleep asparagus aspect aspirate aspire aspirin astonish astound astride astrology astronaut astronomy astute atlantic atlas atom atonable atop atrium atrocious atrophy attach attain attempt attendant attendee attention attentive attest attic attire attitude attractor attribute atypical auction audacious audacity audible audibly audience audio audition augmented august authentic author autism autistic autograph automaker automated automatic autopilot available avalanche avatar avenge avenging avenue average aversion avert aviation aviator avid avoid await awaken award aware awhile awkward awning awoke awry axis babble babbling babied baboon backache backboard backboned backdrop backed backer backfield backfire backhand backing backlands backlash backless backlight backlit backlog backpack backpedal backrest backroom backshift backside backslid backspace backspin backstab backstage backtalk backtrack backup backward backwash backwater backyard bacon bacteria bacterium badass badge badland badly badness baffle baffling bagel bagful baggage bagged baggie bagginess bagging baggy bagpipe baguette baked bakery bakeshop baking balance balancing balcony balmy balsamic bamboo banana banish banister banjo bankable bankbook banked banker banking banknote bankroll banner bannister banshee banter barbecue barbed barbell barber barcode barge bargraph barista baritone barley barmaid barman barn barometer barrack barracuda barrel barrette barricade barrier barstool bartender barterer bash basically basics basil basin basis basket batboy batch bath baton bats battalion battered battering battery batting battle bauble bazooka blabber bladder blade blah blame blaming blanching blandness blank blaspheme blasphemy blast blatancy blatantly blazer blazing bleach bleak bleep blemish blend bless blighted blimp bling blinked blinker blinking blinks blip blissful blitz blizzard bloated bloating blob blog bloomers blooming blooper blot blouse blubber bluff bluish blunderer blunt blurb blurred blurry blurt blush blustery boaster boastful boasting boat bobbed bobbing bobble bobcat bobsled bobtail bodacious body bogged boggle bogus boil bok bolster bolt bonanza bonded bonding bondless boned bonehead boneless bonelike boney bonfire bonnet bonsai bonus bony boogeyman boogieman book boondocks booted booth bootie booting bootlace bootleg boots boozy borax boring borough borrower borrowing boss botanical botanist botany botch both bottle bottling bottom bounce bouncing bouncy bounding boundless bountiful bovine boxcar boxer boxing boxlike boxy breach breath breeches breeching breeder breeding breeze breezy brethren brewery brewing briar bribe brick bride bridged brigade bright brilliant brim bring brink brisket briskly briskness bristle brittle broadband broadcast broaden broadly broadness broadside broadways broiler broiling broken broker bronchial bronco bronze bronzing brook broom brought browbeat brownnose browse browsing bruising brunch brunette brunt brush brussels brute brutishly bubble bubbling bubbly buccaneer bucked bucket buckle buckshot buckskin bucktooth buckwheat buddhism buddhist budding buddy budget buffalo buffed buffer buffing buffoon buggy bulb bulge bulginess bulgur bulk bulldog bulldozer bullfight bullfrog bullhorn bullion bullish bullpen bullring bullseye bullwhip bully bunch bundle bungee bunion bunkbed bunkhouse bunkmate bunny bunt busboy bush busily busload bust busybody buzz cabana cabbage cabbie cabdriver cable caboose cache cackle cacti cactus caddie caddy cadet cadillac cadmium cage cahoots cake calamari calamity calcium calculate calculus caliber calibrate calm caloric calorie calzone camcorder cameo camera camisole camper campfire camping campsite campus canal canary cancel candied candle candy cane canine canister cannabis canned canning cannon cannot canola canon canopener canopy canteen canyon capable capably capacity cape capillary capital capitol capped capricorn capsize capsule caption captivate captive captivity capture caramel carat caravan carbon cardboard carded cardiac cardigan cardinal cardstock carefully caregiver careless caress caretaker cargo caring carless carload carmaker carnage carnation carnival carnivore carol carpenter carpentry carpool carport carried carrot carrousel carry cartel cartload carton cartoon cartridge cartwheel carve carving carwash cascade case cash casing casino casket cassette casually casualty catacomb catalog catalyst catalyze catapult cataract catatonic catcall catchable catcher catching catchy caterer catering catfight catfish cathedral cathouse catlike catnap catnip catsup cattail cattishly cattle catty catwalk caucasian caucus causal causation cause causing cauterize caution cautious cavalier cavalry caviar cavity cedar celery celestial celibacy celibate celtic cement census ceramics ceremony certainly certainty certified certify cesarean cesspool chafe chaffing chain chair chalice challenge chamber chamomile champion chance change channel chant chaos chaperone chaplain chapped chaps chapter character charbroil charcoal charger charging chariot charity charm charred charter charting chase chasing chaste chastise chastity chatroom chatter chatting chatty cheating cheddar cheek cheer cheese cheesy chef chemicals chemist chemo cherisher cherub chess chest chevron chevy chewable chewer chewing chewy chief chihuahua childcare childhood childish childless childlike chili chill chimp chip chirping chirpy chitchat chivalry chive chloride chlorine choice chokehold choking chomp chooser choosing choosy chop chosen chowder chowtime chrome chubby chuck chug chummy chump chunk churn chute cider cilantro cinch cinema cinnamon circle circling circular circulate circus citable citadel citation citizen citric citrus city civic civil clad claim clambake clammy clamor clamp clamshell clang clanking clapped clapper clapping clarify clarinet clarity clash clasp class clatter clause clavicle claw clay clean clear cleat cleaver cleft clench clergyman clerical clerk clever clicker client climate climatic cling clinic clinking clip clique cloak clobber clock clone cloning closable closure clothes clothing cloud clover clubbed clubbing clubhouse clump clumsily clumsy clunky clustered clutch clutter coach coagulant coastal coaster coasting coastland coastline coat coauthor cobalt cobbler cobweb cocoa coconut cod coeditor coerce coexist coffee cofounder cognition cognitive cogwheel coherence coherent cohesive coil coke cola cold coleslaw coliseum collage collapse collar collected collector collide collie collision colonial colonist colonize colony colossal colt coma come comfort comfy comic coming comma commence commend comment commerce commode commodity commodore common commotion commute commuting compacted compacter compactly compactor companion company compare compel compile comply component composed composer composite compost composure compound compress comprised computer computing comrade concave conceal conceded concept concerned concert conch concierge concise conclude concrete concur condense condiment condition condone conducive conductor conduit cone confess confetti confidant confident confider confiding configure confined confining confirm conflict conform confound confront confused confusing confusion congenial congested congrats congress conical conjoined conjure conjuror connected connector consensus consent console consoling consonant constable constant constrain constrict construct consult consumer consuming contact container contempt contend contented contently contents contest context contort contour contrite control contusion convene convent copartner cope copied copier copilot coping copious copper copy coral cork cornball cornbread corncob cornea corned corner cornfield cornflake cornhusk cornmeal cornstalk corny coronary coroner corporal corporate corral correct corridor corrode corroding corrosive corsage corset cortex cosigner cosmetics cosmic cosmos cosponsor cost cottage cotton couch cough could countable countdown counting countless country county courier covenant cover coveted coveting coyness cozily coziness cozy crabbing crabgrass crablike crabmeat cradle cradling crafter craftily craftsman craftwork crafty cramp cranberry crane cranial cranium crank crate crave craving crawfish crawlers crawling crayfish crayon crazed crazily craziness crazy creamed creamer creamlike crease creasing creatable create creation creative creature credible credibly credit creed creme creole crepe crept crescent crested cresting crestless crevice crewless crewman crewmate crib cricket cried crier crimp crimson cringe cringing crinkle crinkly crisped crisping crisply crispness crispy criteria critter croak crock crook croon crop cross crouch crouton crowbar crowd crown crucial crudely crudeness cruelly cruelness cruelty crumb crummiest crummy crumpet crumpled cruncher crunching crunchy crusader crushable crushed crusher crushing crust crux crying cryptic crystal cubbyhole cube cubical cubicle cucumber cuddle cuddly cufflink culinary culminate culpable culprit cultivate cultural culture cupbearer cupcake cupid cupped cupping curable curator curdle cure curfew curing curled curler curliness curling curly curry curse cursive cursor curtain curtly curtsy curvature curve curvy cushy cusp cussed custard custodian custody customary customer customize customs cut cycle cyclic cycling cyclist cylinder cymbal cytoplasm cytoplast dab dad daffodil dagger daily daintily dainty dairy daisy dallying dance dancing dandelion dander dandruff dandy danger dangle dangling daredevil dares daringly darkened darkening darkish darkness darkroom darling darn dart darwinism dash dastardly data datebook dating daughter daunting dawdler dawn daybed daybreak daycare daydream daylight daylong dayroom daytime dazzler dazzling deacon deafening deafness dealer dealing dealmaker dealt dean debatable debate debating debit debrief debtless debtor debug debunk decade decaf decal decathlon decay deceased deceit deceiver deceiving december decency decent deception deceptive decibel decidable decimal decimeter decipher deck declared decline decode decompose decorated decorator decoy decrease decree dedicate dedicator deduce deduct deed deem deepen deeply deepness deface defacing defame default defeat defection defective defendant defender defense defensive deferral deferred defiance defiant defile defiling define definite deflate deflation deflator deflected deflector defog deforest defraud defrost deftly defuse defy degraded degrading degrease degree dehydrate deity dejected delay delegate delegator delete deletion delicacy delicate delicious delighted delirious delirium deliverer delivery delouse delta deluge delusion deluxe demanding demeaning demeanor demise democracy democrat demote demotion demystify denatured deniable denial denim denote dense density dental dentist denture deny deodorant deodorize departed departure depict deplete depletion deplored deploy deport depose depraved depravity deprecate depress deprive depth deputize deputy derail deranged derby derived desecrate deserve deserving designate designed designer designing deskbound desktop deskwork desolate despair despise despite destiny destitute destruct detached detail detection detective detector detention detergent detest detonate detonator detoxify detract deuce devalue deviancy deviant deviate deviation deviator device devious devotedly devotee devotion devourer devouring devoutly dexterity dexterous diabetes diabetic diabolic diagnoses diagnosis diagram dial diameter diaper diaphragm diary dice dicing dictate dictation dictator difficult diffused diffuser diffusion diffusive dig dilation diligence diligent dill dilute dime diminish dimly dimmed dimmer dimness dimple diner dingbat dinghy dinginess dingo dingy dining dinner diocese dioxide diploma dipped dipper dipping directed direction directive directly directory direness dirtiness disabled disagree disallow disarm disarray disaster disband disbelief disburse discard discern discharge disclose discolor discount discourse discover discuss disdain disengage disfigure disgrace dish disinfect disjoin disk dislike disliking dislocate dislodge disloyal dismantle dismay dismiss dismount disobey disorder disown disparate disparity dispatch dispense dispersal dispersed disperser displace display displease disposal dispose disprove dispute disregard disrupt dissuade distance distant distaste distill distinct distort distract distress district distrust ditch ditto ditzy dividable divided dividend dividers dividing divinely diving divinity divisible divisibly division divisive divorcee dizziness dizzy doable docile dock doctrine document dodge dodgy doily doing dole dollar dollhouse dollop dolly dolphin domain domelike domestic dominion dominoes donated donation donator donor donut doodle doorbell doorframe doorknob doorman doormat doornail doorpost doorstep doorstop doorway doozy dork dormitory dorsal dosage dose dotted doubling douche dove down dowry doze drab dragging dragonfly dragonish dragster drainable drainage drained drainer drainpipe dramatic dramatize drank drapery drastic draw dreaded dreadful dreadlock dreamboat dreamily dreamland dreamless dreamlike dreamt dreamy drearily dreary drench dress drew dribble dried drier drift driller drilling drinkable drinking dripping drippy drivable driven driver driveway driving drizzle drizzly drone drool droop drop-down dropbox dropkick droplet dropout dropper drove drown drowsily drudge drum dry dubbed dubiously duchess duckbill ducking duckling ducktail ducky duct dude duffel dugout duh duke duller dullness duly dumping dumpling dumpster duo dupe duplex duplicate duplicity durable durably duration duress during dusk dust dutiful duty duvet dwarf dweeb dwelled dweller dwelling dwindle dwindling dynamic dynamite dynasty dyslexia dyslexic each eagle earache eardrum earflap earful earlobe early earmark earmuff earphone earpiece earplugs earring earshot earthen earthlike earthling earthly earthworm earthy earwig easeful easel easiest easily easiness easing eastbound eastcoast easter eastward eatable eaten eatery eating eats ebay ebony ebook ecard eccentric echo eclair eclipse ecologist ecology economic economist economy ecosphere ecosystem edge edginess edging edgy edition editor educated education educator eel effective effects efficient effort eggbeater egging eggnog eggplant eggshell egomaniac egotism egotistic either eject elaborate elastic elated elbow eldercare elderly eldest electable election elective elephant elevate elevating elevation elevator eleven elf eligible eligibly eliminate elite elitism elixir elk ellipse elliptic elm elongated elope eloquence eloquent elsewhere elude elusive elves email embargo embark embassy embattled embellish ember embezzle emblaze emblem embody embolism emboss embroider emcee emerald emergency emission emit emote emoticon emotion empathic empathy emperor emphases emphasis emphasize emphatic empirical employed employee employer emporium empower emptier emptiness empty emu enable enactment enamel enchanted enchilada encircle enclose enclosure encode encore encounter encourage encroach encrust encrypt endanger endeared endearing ended ending endless endnote endocrine endorphin endorse endowment endpoint endurable endurance enduring energetic energize energy enforced enforcer engaged engaging engine engorge engraved engraver engraving engross engulf enhance enigmatic enjoyable enjoyably enjoyer enjoying enjoyment enlarged enlarging enlighten enlisted enquirer enrage enrich enroll enslave ensnare ensure entail entangled entering entertain enticing entire entitle entity entomb entourage entrap entree entrench entrust entryway entwine enunciate envelope enviable enviably envious envision envoy envy enzyme epic epidemic epidermal epidermis epidural epilepsy epileptic epilogue epiphany episode equal equate equation equator equinox equipment equity equivocal eradicate erasable erased eraser erasure ergonomic errand errant erratic error erupt escalate escalator escapable escapade escapist escargot eskimo esophagus espionage espresso esquire essay essence essential establish estate esteemed estimate estimator estranged estrogen etching eternal eternity ethanol ether ethically ethics euphemism evacuate evacuee evade evaluate evaluator evaporate evasion evasive even everglade evergreen everybody everyday everyone evict evidence evident evil evoke evolution evolve exact exalted example excavate excavator exceeding exception excess exchange excitable exciting exclaim exclude excluding exclusion exclusive excretion excretory excursion excusable excusably excuse exemplary exemplify exemption exerciser exert exes exfoliate exhale exhaust exhume exile existing exit exodus exonerate exorcism exorcist expand expanse expansion expansive expectant expedited expediter expel expend expenses expensive expert expire expiring explain expletive explicit explode exploit explore exploring exponent exporter exposable expose exposure express expulsion exquisite extended extending extent extenuate exterior external extinct extortion extradite extras extrovert extrude extruding exuberant fable fabric fabulous facebook facecloth facedown faceless facelift faceplate faceted facial facility facing facsimile faction factoid factor factsheet factual faculty fade fading failing falcon fall false falsify fame familiar family famine famished fanatic fancied fanciness fancy fanfare fang fanning fantasize fantastic fantasy fascism fastball faster fasting fastness faucet favorable favorably favored favoring favorite fax feast federal fedora feeble feed feel feisty feline felt-tip feminine feminism feminist feminize femur fence fencing fender ferment fernlike ferocious ferocity ferret ferris ferry fervor fester festival festive festivity fetal fetch fever fiber fiction fiddle fiddling fidelity fidgeting fidgety fifteen fifth fiftieth fifty figment figure figurine filing filled filler filling film filter filth filtrate finale finalist finalize finally finance financial finch fineness finer finicky finished finisher finishing finite finless finlike fiscally fit five flaccid flagman flagpole flagship flagstick flagstone flail flakily flaky flame flammable flanked flanking flannels flap flaring flashback flashbulb flashcard flashily flashing flashy flask flatbed flatfoot flatly flatness flatten flattered flatterer flattery flattop flatware flatworm flavored flavorful flavoring flaxseed fled fleshed fleshy flick flier flight flinch fling flint flip flirt float flock flogging flop floral florist floss flounder flyable flyaway flyer flying flyover flypaper foam foe fog foil folic folk follicle follow fondling fondly fondness fondue font food fool footage football footbath footboard footer footgear foothill foothold footing footless footman footnote footpad footpath footprint footrest footsie footsore footwear footwork fossil foster founder founding fountain fox foyer fraction fracture fragile fragility fragment fragrance fragrant frail frame framing frantic fraternal frayed fraying frays freckled freckles freebase freebee freebie freedom freefall freehand freeing freeload freely freemason freeness freestyle freeware freeway freewill freezable freezing freight french frenzied frenzy frequency frequent fresh fretful fretted friction friday fridge fried friend frighten frightful frigidity frigidly frill fringe frisbee frisk fritter frivolous frolic from front frostbite frosted frostily frosting frostlike frosty froth frown frozen fructose frugality frugally fruit frustrate frying gab gaffe gag gainfully gaining gains gala gallantly galleria gallery galley gallon gallows gallstone galore galvanize gambling game gaming gamma gander gangly gangrene gangway gap garage garbage garden gargle garland garlic garment garnet garnish garter gas gatherer gathering gating gauging gauntlet gauze gave gawk gazing gear gecko geek geiger gem gender generic generous genetics genre gentile gentleman gently gents geography geologic geologist geology geometric geometry geranium gerbil geriatric germicide germinate germless germproof gestate gestation gesture getaway getting getup giant gibberish giblet giddily giddiness giddy gift gigabyte gigahertz gigantic giggle giggling giggly gigolo gilled gills gimmick girdle giveaway given giver giving gizmo gizzard glacial glacier glade gladiator gladly glamorous glamour glance glancing glandular glare glaring glass glaucoma glazing gleaming gleeful glider gliding glimmer glimpse glisten glitch glitter glitzy gloater gloating gloomily gloomy glorified glorifier glorify glorious glory gloss glove glowing glowworm glucose glue gluten glutinous glutton gnarly gnat goal goatskin goes goggles going goldfish goldmine goldsmith golf goliath gonad gondola gone gong good gooey goofball goofiness goofy google goon gopher gore gorged gorgeous gory gosling gossip gothic gotten gout gown grab graceful graceless gracious gradation graded grader gradient grading gradually graduate graffiti grafted grafting grain granddad grandkid grandly grandma grandpa grandson granite granny granola grant granular grape graph grapple grappling grasp grass gratified gratify grating gratitude gratuity gravel graveness graves graveyard gravitate gravity gravy gray grazing greasily greedily greedless greedy green greeter greeting grew greyhound grid grief grievance grieving grievous grill grimace grimacing grime griminess grimy grinch grinning grip gristle grit groggily groggy groin groom groove grooving groovy grope ground grouped grout grove grower growing growl grub grudge grudging grueling gruffly grumble grumbling grumbly grumpily grunge grunt guacamole guidable guidance guide guiding guileless guise gulf gullible gully gulp gumball gumdrop gumminess gumming gummy gurgle gurgling guru gush gusto gusty gutless guts gutter guy guzzler gyration habitable habitant habitat habitual hacked hacker hacking hacksaw had haggler haiku half halogen halt halved halves hamburger hamlet hammock hamper hamster hamstring handbag handball handbook handbrake handcart handclap handclasp handcraft handcuff handed handful handgrip handgun handheld handiness handiwork handlebar handled handler handling handmade handoff handpick handprint handrail handsaw handset handsfree handshake handstand handwash handwork handwoven handwrite handyman hangnail hangout hangover hangup hankering hankie hanky haphazard happening happier happiest happily happiness happy harbor hardcopy hardcore hardcover harddisk hardened hardener hardening hardhat hardhead hardiness hardly hardness hardship hardware hardwired hardwood hardy harmful harmless harmonica harmonics harmonize harmony harness harpist harsh harvest hash hassle haste hastily hastiness hasty hatbox hatchback hatchery hatchet hatching hatchling hate hatless hatred haunt haven hazard hazelnut hazily haziness hazing hazy headache headband headboard headcount headdress headed header headfirst headgear heading headlamp headless headlock headphone headpiece headrest headroom headscarf headset headsman headstand headstone headway headwear heap heat heave heavily heaviness heaving hedge hedging heftiness hefty helium helmet helper helpful helping helpless helpline hemlock hemstitch hence henchman henna herald herbal herbicide herbs heritage hermit heroics heroism herring herself hertz hesitancy hesitant hesitate hexagon hexagram hubcap huddle huddling huff hug hula hulk hull human humble humbling humbly humid humiliate humility humming hummus humongous humorist humorless humorous humpback humped humvee hunchback hundredth hunger hungrily hungry hunk hunter hunting huntress huntsman hurdle hurled hurler hurling hurray hurricane hurried hurry hurt husband hush husked huskiness hut hybrid hydrant hydrated hydration hydrogen hydroxide hyperlink hypertext hyphen hypnoses hypnosis hypnotic hypnotism hypnotist hypnotize hypocrisy hypocrite ibuprofen ice iciness icing icky icon icy idealism idealist idealize ideally idealness identical identify identity ideology idiocy idiom idly igloo ignition ignore iguana illicitly illusion illusive image imaginary imagines imaging imbecile imitate imitation immature immerse immersion imminent immobile immodest immorally immortal immovable immovably immunity immunize impaired impale impart impatient impeach impeding impending imperfect imperial impish implant implement implicate implicit implode implosion implosive imply impolite important importer impose imposing impotence impotency impotent impound imprecise imprint imprison impromptu improper improve improving improvise imprudent impulse impulsive impure impurity iodine iodize ion ipad iphone ipod irate irk iron irregular irrigate irritable irritably irritant irritate islamic islamist isolated isolating isolation isotope issue issuing italicize italics item itinerary itunes ivory ivy jab jackal jacket jackknife jackpot jailbird jailbreak jailer jailhouse jalapeno jam janitor january jargon jarring jasmine jaundice jaunt java jawed jawless jawline jaws jaybird jaywalker jazz jeep jeeringly jellied jelly jersey jester jet jiffy jigsaw jimmy jingle jingling jinx jitters jittery job jockey jockstrap jogger jogging john joining jokester jokingly jolliness jolly jolt jot jovial joyfully joylessly joyous joyride joystick jubilance jubilant judge judgingly judicial judiciary judo juggle juggling jugular juice juiciness juicy jujitsu jukebox july jumble jumbo jump junction juncture june junior juniper junkie junkman junkyard jurist juror jury justice justifier justify justly justness juvenile kabob kangaroo karaoke karate karma kebab keenly keenness keep keg kelp kennel kept kerchief kerosene kettle kick kiln kilobyte kilogram kilometer kilowatt kilt kimono kindle kindling kindly kindness kindred kinetic kinfolk king kinship kinsman kinswoman kissable kisser kissing kitchen kite kitten kitty kiwi kleenex knapsack knee knelt knickers knoll koala kooky kosher krypton kudos kung labored laborer laboring laborious labrador ladder ladies ladle ladybug ladylike lagged lagging lagoon lair lake lance landed landfall landfill landing landlady landless landline landlord landmark landmass landmine landowner landscape landside landslide language lankiness lanky lantern lapdog lapel lapped lapping laptop lard large lark lash lasso last latch late lather latitude latrine latter latticed launch launder laundry laurel lavender lavish laxative lazily laziness lazy lecturer left legacy legal legend legged leggings legible legibly legislate lego legroom legume legwarmer legwork lemon lend length lens lent leotard lesser letdown lethargic lethargy letter lettuce level leverage levers levitate levitator liability liable liberty librarian library licking licorice lid life lifter lifting liftoff ligament likely likeness likewise liking lilac lilly lily limb limeade limelight limes limit limping limpness line lingo linguini linguist lining linked linoleum linseed lint lion lip liquefy liqueur liquid lisp list litigate litigator litmus litter little livable lived lively liver livestock lividly living lizard lubricant lubricate lucid luckily luckiness luckless lucrative ludicrous lugged lukewarm lullaby lumber luminance luminous lumpiness lumping lumpish lunacy lunar lunchbox luncheon lunchroom lunchtime lung lurch lure luridness lurk lushly lushness luster lustfully lustily lustiness lustrous lusty luxurious luxury lying lyrically lyricism lyricist lyrics macarena macaroni macaw mace machine machinist magazine magenta maggot magical magician magma magnesium magnetic magnetism magnetize magnifier magnify magnitude magnolia mahogany maimed majestic majesty majorette majority makeover maker makeshift making malformed malt mama mammal mammary mammogram manager managing manatee mandarin mandate mandatory mandolin manger mangle mango mangy manhandle manhole manhood manhunt manicotti manicure manifesto manila mankind manlike manliness manly manmade manned mannish manor manpower mantis mantra manual many map marathon marauding marbled marbles marbling march mardi margarine margarita margin marigold marina marine marital maritime marlin marmalade maroon married marrow marry marshland marshy marsupial marvelous marxism mascot masculine mashed mashing massager masses massive mastiff matador matchbook matchbox matcher matching matchless material maternal maternity math mating matriarch matrimony matrix matron matted matter maturely maturing maturity mauve maverick maximize maximum maybe mayday mayflower moaner moaning mobile mobility mobilize mobster mocha mocker mockup modified modify modular modulator module moisten moistness moisture molar molasses mold molecular molecule molehill mollusk mom monastery monday monetary monetize moneybags moneyless moneywise mongoose mongrel monitor monkhood monogamy monogram monologue monopoly monorail monotone monotype monoxide monsieur monsoon monstrous monthly monument moocher moodiness moody mooing moonbeam mooned moonlight moonlike moonlit moonrise moonscape moonshine moonstone moonwalk mop morale morality morally morbidity morbidly morphine morphing morse mortality mortally mortician mortified mortify mortuary mosaic mossy most mothball mothproof motion motivate motivator motive motocross motor motto mountable mountain mounted mounting mourner mournful mouse mousiness moustache mousy mouth movable move movie moving mower mowing much muck mud mug mulberry mulch mule mulled mullets multiple multiply multitask multitude mumble mumbling mumbo mummified mummify mummy mumps munchkin mundane municipal muppet mural murkiness murky murmuring muscular museum mushily mushiness mushroom mushy music musket muskiness musky mustang mustard muster mustiness musty mutable mutate mutation mute mutilated mutilator mutiny mutt mutual muzzle myself myspace mystified mystify myth nacho nag nail name naming nanny nanometer nape napkin napped napping nappy narrow nastily nastiness national native nativity natural nature naturist nautical navigate navigator navy nearby nearest nearly nearness neatly neatness nebula nebulizer nectar negate negation negative neglector negligee negligent negotiate nemeses nemesis neon nephew nerd nervous nervy nest net neurology neuron neurosis neurotic neuter neutron never next nibble nickname nicotine niece nifty nimble nimbly nineteen ninetieth ninja nintendo ninth nuclear nuclei nucleus nugget nullify number numbing numbly numbness numeral numerate numerator numeric numerous nuptials nursery nursing nurture nutcase nutlike nutmeg nutrient nutshell nuttiness nutty nuzzle nylon oaf oak oasis oat obedience obedient obituary object obligate obliged oblivion oblivious oblong obnoxious oboe obscure obscurity observant observer observing obsessed obsession obsessive obsolete obstacle obstinate obstruct obtain obtrusive obtuse obvious occultist occupancy occupant occupier occupy ocean ocelot octagon octane october octopus ogle oil oink ointment okay old olive olympics omega omen ominous omission omit omnivore onboard oncoming ongoing onion online onlooker only onscreen onset onshore onslaught onstage onto onward onyx oops ooze oozy opacity opal open operable operate operating operation operative operator opium opossum opponent oppose opposing opposite oppressed oppressor opt opulently osmosis other otter ouch ought ounce outage outback outbid outboard outbound outbreak outburst outcast outclass outcome outdated outdoors outer outfield outfit outflank outgoing outgrow outhouse outing outlast outlet outline outlook outlying outmatch outmost outnumber outplayed outpost outpour output outrage outrank outreach outright outscore outsell outshine outshoot outsider outskirts outsmart outsource outspoken outtakes outthink outward outweigh outwit oval ovary oven overact overall overarch overbid overbill overbite overblown overboard overbook overbuilt overcast overcoat overcome overcook overcrowd overdraft overdrawn overdress overdrive overdue overeager overeater overexert overfed overfeed overfill overflow overfull overgrown overhand overhang overhaul overhead overhear overheat overhung overjoyed overkill overlabor overlaid overlap overlay overload overlook overlord overlying overnight overpass overpay overplant overplay overpower overprice 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partake parted parting partition partly partner partridge party passable passably passage passcode passenger passerby passing passion passive passivism passover passport password pasta pasted pastel pastime pastor pastrami pasture pasty patchwork patchy paternal paternity path patience patient patio patriarch patriot patrol patronage patronize pauper pavement paver pavestone pavilion paving pawing payable payback paycheck payday payee payer paying payment payphone payroll pebble pebbly pecan pectin peculiar peddling pediatric pedicure pedigree pedometer pegboard pelican pellet pelt pelvis penalize penalty pencil pendant pending penholder penknife pennant penniless penny penpal pension pentagon pentagram pep perceive percent perch percolate perennial perfected perfectly perfume periscope perish perjurer perjury perkiness perky perm peroxide perpetual perplexed persecute persevere persuaded persuader pesky peso pessimism pessimist pester pesticide petal petite petition petri petroleum 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I went on vacation to Las Vegas with my wife from July 2nd-7th. This was my 5th trip and our 3rd together. Here's my (excessively long) trip report: Hotel
This time we stayed at the Cosmopolitan, and we had a Terrace Studio Fountain View room. It was our first stay at Cosmo (I'd been to Wynn, Luxor, Aria Sky Suites, and Bellagio previously), and the hotel was great. I thought our room was nicer than the one we had at Bellagio last year and for a cheaper price (friend who is a travel agent got us a pretty good deal). Literally the only downside I can think of is not being able to listen to the fountain music on TV. We were in the Chelsea Tower (which is larger than Boulevard), and had a great balcony view
Cosmo definitely attracts a younger crowd than some of the other casinos on the strip- lots of people in their 20s and 30s staying here. There are two main pools, one in each tower. When we went down to the Chelsea Pool around 11am on the 3rd, literally every seat was already taken. Note: Chelsea Tower is much larger than Boulevard, but its pool is much smaller. We hiked over to the Boulevard Pool and settled in. Great view looking over the strip with a livlier atmosphere than you'll find at the Bellagio's pools. Also worth noting the water is pretty shallow- no more than 4' deep. The most amusing part of our swimming experience was watching an Asian kid, probably 10 years old, swim all around the place, bumping in to every other group there, and saying hi. Seemed odd that he was basically on his own at that age, but he was clearly having a helluva time.
One of the best parts about Cosmo is its location- right in the center of the strip, which makes an easy walk to most of the other casinos. It has a great selection of restaurants (see below) and modern decor as well. One notable omission in my opinion is it doesn't have any shows/productions in house. The casino also doesn't have a poker room, but I didn't end up playing during this trip anyhow. Easy walk to the Bellagio or Aria poker rooms regardless.
Checkin to the hotel was very easy. Our flight got in to Vegas at about 8am on Sunday, so the room wasn't ready yet when we arrived. They took down all my info, and we left our bags with the bellhop. They sent a text message when the room was ready around noon, and they brought the bags up to our room. I used the online checkout on Friday morning. Easy peasy. Uber
Side note- I'd never used Uber before this trip. Definitely recommend it for others in the same boat. Cheap/easy to use, and I liked riding with the average Uber driver more than the average cabbie. Each hotel has its own pickup/dropoff location for UbeLyft- just ask any employee, and they'll point you in the right direction. I never had to wait more than five minutes to get my ride. Shows/attractions
The only show we saw on this trip was Ka at the MGM Grand. I'd pretty much recommend any Cirque du Soleil show on the strip- they're all pretty amazing. O at the Bellagio is probably my favorite, but Ka was great in its own right. Supposedly it's unique among Cirque shows in that it has a big storyline, but uh... I'd just say there's not much of one. Amusing moment before the show: I get a text message from my wife, who is sitting right next to me. "Am I sitting next to a drag queen?" I looked over. Yes, yes you are.
We also made a trip to the Shark Reef Aquarium at Mandalay Bay. I felt like the line for tickets was pretty absurdly long. I realized the reason for that when we got in- the whole aquarium was about half as big as I expected, so they needed to keep the flow of people in fairly slow. Having said that, the exhibits they did have were great, and there was no shortage of staff floating around to answer any questions you might have. Definitely a good spot to bring the family to in Vegas. Food
The biggest reason we love Vegas is the food. Yes, my wife and I are the annoying people who post pictures of thier food on Facebook. The great thing about Vegas is there's multiple restaurant for just about any cuisine you can imagine right on the strip. Wicked Spoon Buffet at Cosmopolitan
(7-2-17 brunch): I like to hit up a buffet once whenever I visit Vegas, and none have disappointed. These places definitely aren't the Golden Corral. Our flight got in pretty early Sunday, so stuffing ourselves at the buffet and having extra time before dinner seemed like a good idea. To start things off, I'm a sucker for an omelette station, so I grabbed a Denver style omelette. Added some cheesy hash brown casserole (one of the best things I had), and a verrine. I have no idea what a verrine is, but it was basically a shot glass filled with mashed avocado, grapefruit, and a bit of crab. Good stuff. Had I stopped here, I would have had a normal sized brunch by most people's standards. Of course the entire point of a Vegas buffet is getting full value by stuffing yourself so full you can't walk, so I made more trips.
Next up I grabbed a jerk chicken thigh, a few pieces of spicy tuna sushi, some house-made italian sausage, and yogurt/fruit. The jerk chicken was perfect in that after the first bite I thought- that's not that spicy. 3 bites in, I'm feeling it a bit. By the end, I'm chugging my coffee/juice.
Finally it was time for dessert. When I first visited Vegas back in 2005, my friend informed me that the #1 rule of Vegas buffets is that you must try the bread pudding. You are not supposed to question the reasoning behind the rule, nor are you supposed to debate whether it's necessary. You simply do it. Wicked Spoon featured a bourbon white chocolate bread pudding
. It was good, but I wasn't sure what to make of it since it tasted more like butterscotch than bourbon to me. I also had half a mango danish and some little chocolate tart. I thought I was done at this point until my wife brought back some gelato. I couldn't sit there and watch her eat, so I ended up getting some coconut-lime gelato for myself. The selection is pretty ridiculous- about 18 flavors to choose from. After the gelato, I finally waved the white flag. Picasso at Bellagio
(7-2-17 dinner): We've been wanting to visit Picasso for a while now. I was going to book a reservation here for our honeymoon back in 2014, but as it turns out they typically take a 2 week vacation in July every year. We ran into the same problem last year, but they were open on Sunday the 2nd this time before closing. Finally, we had our chance.
Picasso is basically fancy-pants French fine dining at its best. If you've ever seen the movie Ocean's Eleven, the restaurant scene
was filmed there. We were seated at a table next to the window with the Bellagio fountain outside, and my wife had a real Picasso painting
above her shoulder. So uh... not bad. I wore a suit and tie, but you really don't need to- wear khakis and a nice shirt, and you'll fit in fine.
We both ordered from the four course prix fixe tasting menu. My goal when eating out at nice places is to get stuff I don't cook myself / haven't tried much before. First course I got the poached oysters
. The dish was basically smooth, melt-in-your-mouth like butter. Next up was the foie gras
. This was the second time I've foie gras, and I've decided it's just not my thing. I could tell it was prepared properly, but I just don't think it has much flavor. The rhubarb chutney on the side was good, though. For the entree, I had the roasted milk-fed veal chop
. After the first bite I literally started laughing, basically thinking, "Where has this been all my life?" Literally one of the best things I've ever eaten. If I had to nitpick, it was cooked a touch rare for my liking. But it was amazing. I wanted a lighter dessert given how much food I'd stuffed myself with that day, so I got a pineapple tart with prickly pear sorbet
. Almost too pretty to eat.
Picasso is definitely the type of restaurant you take your date to if you're wanting to impress them. I like Le Cirque a bit more based on my two trips there previously. Le Cirque is a much smaller restaurant, just feels like a more intimate setting, and the service seemed a little more personal. But really you can't go wrong either way. Also, it was a nice touch seeing the chef, Julian Serrano, as we left the restaurant. China Poblano at Cosmopolitan
(7-3-17 lunch): The best way to explain China Poblano is that it seems like one person wanted to start up a Mexican restaurant at Cosmo, one person wanted to start up a Chinese restaurant, and then some executive asked, "Why don't we have both?"
There are literally two different kitchens in the same restaurant, and the food is served tapas style- dishes just come out one by one whenever they're ready.
We started off with the queso fundido
for an appetizer- pretty standard stuff. I ordered two tacos from the Mexican menu
, one taco suadero (brisket), one carnitas. The brisket was good, the carnitas was great. Because if eating a taco with pork rinds on it is wrong, then I don't want to be right. I decided to get Mongolian beef lettuce
from the Chinese menu, because I remember reading an IAMA from a Chinese restaurant owner a while back who said that was one of the best things on the menu that people rarely ordered. And he was right. We skipped dessert since our stomachs were still half full from eating the day before. Estiatorio Milos at Cosmopolitan
(7-3-17 dinner): Milos is proof that food doesn't have to be fancy to be fantastic. They just use high-quality ingredients, use a simple preparation, and let the food do the talking. The neat part about this place is that they really don't have specific fish on the menu. Instead you walk up to the fish case
, pick out the one you want, and let your server know how you want it prepared. And marvel at the produce
while you're at it.
We ordered the tzatziki as an appetizer, and at first I wasn't going to take a picture of it since it's just tzatziki. And then I tasted it. And I decided it deserved a picture
- the best I've ever had. Next up was a Greek salad
which was ridiculously good. Those definitely aren't the tomatoes you buy at Kroger
. We chose lithrini
, which seemed like a generic white fish, for our entree. Pan-seared with lemon, capers, and herbs. Some basic potatoes
and broccoli for our sides. Milos is one of our top recommendations for people visiting Vegas. Milk Bar at Cosmopolitan
(7-3-17 dessert): We skipped dessert at Milos because we wanted to try out the Milk Bar. I grabbed one of the much-hyped compost cookies, which I actually thought was nothing special, and a spiked chocolate malt milkshake. The shake was awesome. I ended up coming back later in the trip and got a spiked coffee shake as well. Not sure they're worth $12 apiece, but you're in Vegas, so what the hell. Eiffel Tower Restaurant
(7-4-17 lunch): My wife had put this on the list of places to visit a month ahead of time, so we ended up going here for lunch. You enter the restaurant by going up an elevator in the main floor of the casino, and the doors open to give you a nice view of the kitchen
. I always like restaurants where you can see people work in an open kitchen, so I thought this was a nice touch. We had reservations for when the restaurant opened, so we managed to snag one of the best tables in the place with a great view of the strip
. We started off with the cheese tray
as an appetizer, which was most notable for the honeycomb. I think that's the first time I've ever had real honeycomb, and it was delicious. I decided to go brunch-ish for my meal and order the lobster eggs benedict
, which was easily the best eggs benedict I've ever had. We shared a frozen strawberry souffle
for dessert, and the best compliment I can give about this is that we immediately began looking up recipes to make our own when we got back to our hotel room. Overall a great meal, and I think we'll head back here for dinner during our next trip to Vegas. Tetsu at Aria
(7-4-17 dinner): I'd wanted to visit a Japanese steakhouse while in town (especially since the favorite place in my town was run down by new ownership and closed), and I was a little surprised to find there weren't many options. Tetsu is actually a sectioned off portion of the BarMasa restaurant in Aria, and you can order sushi from BarMasa's menu while there. Which I did
. I'm far from a sushi connoisseur, but I thought it tasted like a standard salmon roll- good, but I wasn't blown away by it or anything.
As far as the hibachi grill itself goes, the first thing to note is that the chefs basically just prepare the food in front of you but don't put on any sort of show. So if you're wanting to impress the family with a flaming onion volcano and eggs juggled on a spatula, this isn't your place. It's about the food, and the food was fantastic. I had the whole lobster
, which is every bit as good as it looks. The chili shrimp cilantro fried rice
was as good as the lobster, and I had some brussels sprouts on the side. My wife got the fingerling potatoes
as a more photogenic side dish to her chicken. They also serve prime A5 Japanese Ohmi beef, but I couldn't justify spending $132 on a 4 oz steak. We had chocolate sesame ice cream
for dessert, and the sesame was actually a lot stronger than I thought it would be (might actually put some people off).
Of course one of the fun parts of eating at these places is talking to people seated with you at the table. One of the ladies next to us teased a server, trying to get his name badge, Harvey (definitely not his given name), since apparently a guy named Harvey founded the golf club she worked at. Even went so far as to summon the manager to see if she could get the badge, but ultimately she failed in her negotiations. Everyone at the table had a laugh about the situation. Burger Bar at Mandalay Bay
(7-5-17 lunch): We were looking for a lunch spot down on this end of the strip before heading to the aquarium, and the Burger Bar (actually located in a walkway between Mandalay Bay and Luxor) came recommended by several people. To start with, they had a great beer menu
. I ordered the classic bacon cheeseburger with onion rings
. Great burger, cooked perfectly. I know there are several excellent burger joints on the strip, so it's probably not worth making a special trip far out of your way to come here. It's a great option if you want a burger and are on the south end of the strip, though. Lemongrass at Aria
(7-5-17 dinner): Next up, some Thai food. We had some pot stickers
for an appetizer, which I thought were pretty average. Nothing to stand out here from your average takeout in either taste or presentation. My wife decided to order some wonton soup
to share, and I'm glad she did. It was freakin' amazing- easily the best part of the meal. I wanted something light for my meal, so I ordered the garlic and lime steamed cod
. The surprised reaction of the waitress seemed to imply that nobody ever ordered that. It was good, but you better love lime if you get it.
As luck would have it, the one time we received poor (exceptionally slow) service on the trip was when we had our meal before a show. We had to skip dessert so that we could make it down to MGM Grand in time to see Ka. Olives at Bellagio
(7-6-17 lunch): We thought about hitting up Lago for lunch, but since we were headed to Sinatra for dinner we wanted to avoid back to back Italian. Olives had a nice deal on a 3 course prix fixe lunch menu, so we ordered from that. I had the Caesar salad
to start, followed it up with fish and chips
, and finished it off with tiramisu
. A bit of an odd combo, but a good meal. Nothing exceptional. Great server, though. Sinatra at Encore
(7-6-17 dinner): Another place we'd wanted to visit on previous trips but never had a chance to. There's tons of Frank Sinatra themed memorabilia in the place, including a Grammy, Emmy
, and Oscar
as you walk in the door. I'd describe the place as lively but classy as hell- which is pretty much what you'd want when going to a Rat Pack themed place.
To start off with, I ordered an Old Fashioned. It's one of my favorite drinks to order because everyone does it differently, and you never know what you're going to get. Well, it was the best Old Fashioned I've had in my left. I meant to ask the waiter what type of boorbon they used, but ultimately forgot. We ended up sharing the estiva
for an appetizer, which is basically a watermelon salad. I ordered the gnochetti
for my entree, which tasted great, but the portion size kind of left me wondering where the rest of it was. We shared the panna cotta
for dessert, which was as good as it looked. Eggslut at Cosmopolitan
(7-7-17 breakfast): Eggslut is a casual stand at Cosmo that pretty much sells egg sandwiches all day long. I had the Fairfax with bacon
, which is pretty much what they're known for. I think the reason why it was such a great sandwich was they kept the eggs inside creamy, whereas most breakfast sandwiches have the eggs cooked hard as a rock. When you walk up to the place your first thought is- whoa! Only $8... finally a reasonably priced meal. And then you realize they charge $5 for a cup of coffee or orange juice, and you remember you're still in Vegas. Regardless, this place is a good stop for breakfast or a late night snack.
Overall a great trip. Can't wait to go back again and try some different places.
So, you wanna go to SHOT show? You think it's all fun and games? Get to play with guns? See Jesse James and R. Lee Ermey? SHOT show is the annual pilgrimage of the unwashed masses to Las Vegas to rub elbows with youtube celebrities, bloggers and overseas businessmen copying US made equipment and share infectious disease.
If you love guns, gambling and gonorrhea - SHOT show is for you! It is not my typical idea of a good time. I am not a big fan of Las Vegas.
However: I do attend for a few reasons. First, I do enjoy travel and I'm platinum on AA so I can usually score an upgrade. Second, industry people are in there that I do hundreds of thousands if not millions of dollars with business with so it's nice to put a face with the name and see what deals are out there. SHOT for me has been a bust for the past few years. Being a value guy, I want to buy at $1000 and sell at $3000 and as of recently the gun business is more like buy for $1 and sell for $1.10 if you get what I mean.
We used to do business at SHOT and now it's just checking in on foursquare, instagram and rubbing elbows with bloggers and the like. I want to make money, not spend money so this is very annoying to me.
Anyways, onto the play by play. Monday, January 16th. One day before SHOT show. http://imgur.com/a/HoFUm
Every time I've been rejected by a woman, I move $1 from checking into savings and I take the bankroll down to the Wynn for some play. Lets do this.
The TSA line is a shitshow thanks to, well TSA.
I slog my way to the lounge, as shitty as it is to wait for my winged chariot to DFW. I have gone from being in an abusive relationship with Delta to being in an abusive relationship with AA. Although if you really want to experience the battered spouse feeling, UA is a few gates over. This trip's light reading is trying to finish "The Tipping Point" by Malcolm Gladwell. Such a good book as well as "Outliers" if you want a good read.
I walk up to the podium to find out that my upgrades do not clear, even as an AA Plat thanks to the addition of a FOURTH elite tier. Goddamn fucking W. Doug Parker. Asshole. I gate check my bags to make life easier for me and the rest of the folks. The gate agent calls concierge key and executive platinum passengers. I look down and realize I'm wearing a suit and board with the executive platinum folks because I do not care and I look the part. If you walk with a purpose and are dressed reasonably well, you fit the profile. I settle into my window seat and try to finish outliers. I pass out before takeoff and I'm awoken by the dulcet tones of the flight attendants preparing for landing. We land at Dallas a few minutes early and I hightail it to the Centurion for a quick bite to eat. I grab a plate and help myself to some of the excellent brisket, pecan encrusted chicken and some roasted jumbo asparagus. Yes, my pee is going to smell funny. No, I do not care. The lounge is packed. The bar is full and I grab a quick single malt as I have my meal since American's not going to feed me. They begin boarding to Mccarran as I walk out of the lounge. No time for a stop in the spa on this trip. I make it to the gate just as the call group 2 boarding.
I bypass the main line and walk up through the priority line giving no heed to the people that have been waiting there before me as I hold up my paper boarding pass with PLATINUM to the gate agent. I board and take my usual seat - the exit row without the seat in front of it. I'm aghast to see this sight. http://imgur.com/a/dygil
The savages. Literally. The savages.
I put my loathing away for a moment and look down at the exit row. I have the window. The aisle is a large middle aged man and in the middle is what I believe to be a formecurrent linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys wearing a 52 regular sports jacket. He's not a fat guy in a little coat, he's a big fucking hulk of a man stuffed in an exit row seat that is already an inch narrower due to the tray table. I grimace as I take my seat and give him the manly nod. He does not look happy about the fact that his knees are in the seat in front and I'm stretched out like a Cheshire cat in front of a fireplace on a cold January afternoon.
The boarding door closes for an on time departure and Stephanie the FA takes her seat. He leans over and asks if he can take the empty row across the aisle and she takes one look at the three of us and gives him the nod. I bail out to give him a path of egress and suddenly the trip to Las Vegas has just become way more comfortable. I finish The Tipping Point somewhere over west texas, so I pop a xanax and dr pepper and zone out for the rest of the ride. I awake to feel one of the FA's jostling me awake telling me to put my seat up. I do so and we have a ride so smooth that not even the Delta guy behind me can complain about light chop. We catch the TYSSN4 arrival and the next thing I know it the Messier Dowty landing gear of the A321 touch the paint at Mccarran for a smooth rollout down 25L.
My phone battery is approaching grim death since this seat has no power plugs and I find bartman383
has sent me a message. He has been enjoying LV with his wife and their due to bad weather they are in the city of sin for a few extra nights. He invites me to dinner. I'm still pretty full from DFW and I tell him I'll be over there once I get my bags and the car and I'll see him when I see him. He gives me the info for the hotel as we pull up to the gate.
First stop: Centurion lounge. AA's app tells me bags being unloaded. I grab a quick bite of fried chicken and brussels sprouts since they are good for you and a chocolate pudding. The brisket and pecan encrusted chicken from DFW still has me full but I'm well aware of the speed of a union baggage handlers nowadays and who doesn't like chocolate pudding? Terrorists. That's who. Want to know how to screen for terrorists TSA? Set up a table of free chocolate pudding at the airport. The people who don't take any are members of ISIS. It's just that simple.
I grab my bag and hoof it to Hertz. I'm an idiot and I am an hour late for my pickup. Oops. Will an Audi A3 suffice? I sigh and I accept my Teutonic quattro chariot. I do a burnout in the parking garage and hightail it to the exit. I flash my #1 card and my ID and the gatekeeper gives me the go ahead. I get onto the the strip and traffic is awful. I'm going to be late for dinner. I make a left onto Russell Road and hightail it up the 15. I manage to get the car up to 100 as I pass the Luxor. My phone is dead so I can't message Bart about being late. Fuck. The exit approaches quickly as I put the 4 wheel disk brakes to work and sling the car around and head south on Las Vegas Bl. I accidentally turn into the Bellagio and I'm now running even more late. Fuck. Eventually, I get the car into the garage at the Cosmopolitan and head upstairs. I cannot remember the name of the restaurant but I head up to the third floor where all the restaurants are and I see this sign that's reminiscent of my days in retail.
It says RESTAURANT - LOUNGE - PAWN SHOP.
I laugh. I walk in. It's literally a pawnshop. I look around puzzled.
FC: Is this a restaurant?
Bald Headed Guy: Yes, through that door.
He points towards a door. I walk in to find a bustling restaurant, lounge via the entrance of pawnshop. This is insane. I pass a mirror and check myself out. I adjust my tie, after all it is YSL and the ladies LOVE YSL. Remember that. I find the hostess and inform her I will be joining some friends for dinner. They probably do not have me on the reservation though but I turn on the charm and she smiles and says no problem at all. She asks if my tie is from Hermes. I say no, I'm a YSL guy. She looks impressed as I tell her I'll make a quick lap of the room to see if they're there and surprise them. She gives me a nod and tells me to go right ahead. Still got it.
I spot bart and his wife who I can only remember vaguely from gunnitlive after party video and I pull up a chair. Bart is surprised to see I made it and they are in the middle of dinner. They offer to ply me with food and beverage but I decline as I'm driving so no booze for me and no food since I am stuffed from Dallas. We chat about life and liberty over libations. Bart's wife thinks I am hysterical. She's had a few drinks and they are already into their main courses. The brussels sprouts are way too salty and we have to send it back. No bueno.
Bart invites me up to his suite on the top floor of the hotel where we are to meet Brogelicious
later in the evening. I say, when in rome......we head to the top floor of the hotel tower where Bart shows me his view from the balcony and cracks open the mini bar for some more libations. He asks if I want a drink and I say I better not. I'm driving.
Not 30 seconds after arriving, brogel shows up. Bart's wife hugs brogel. She's infatuated with him. We start shooting the shit and bart opens up the minibar and tells us to take anything we want, it's on the hotel. I laugh and I look outside as bart opens his yeti 110 for some silver bullets. Apparently he is so baller the hotel will send up a yeti 110 filled with beer to make him happy. His wife is apparently such a baller. I ball on a budget. They just ball. Hahaha.
We shoot the shit some more about guns, gun stuff and people on the reddit for a while. I get a little thirsty and I crack open bart's cooler. I ask him how long the stuff in the cooler is supposed to last and he says until Wednesday.
I look down and I am agape at what I see.
We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.
I mentally prepared my butthole and I decided to help myself to a coors light against my wishes but Bart, Bart's wife and Brogel are all drinking so I let peer pressure take hold as I cracked open a beer with them. We head out to the balcony to smoke some cuban cigars together as bart's wife takes a photo of all of us. We all look like hell. Haha.
As bart downs his second beer, he asks me a question.
Bart: ever go hunting?
Me: Ducks a little bit but not much
Bart: ever want to hunt some deadly game?
Me: Like on african safari?
Bart: No, I mean like.........man.
Me: Hahahahhahaaha you're just fucking with me. Hahahahahhaa. That's really funny.
Bart: No really, the concierge here at this hotel will set it up for us. It's amazing. I remember my first hunt......
Brogel starts laughing and I realize they've been doing a bit. I've been had.
We bullshit about SHOT and Barrett's shotguns and other things and next thing I know, it's late but bart hands me a mixed drink. I sip it a bit and I was in the middle of a tirade complaining about my customers. Suddenly, there was a terrible roar all around us, and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the city, and a voice was screaming: Holy Jesus. What are these goddamn animals? Nobody seems to understand what I'm talking about. It's cold on the balcony. Our cigars are done. We head indoors. No point in mentioning these bats, I thought. Poor bastards will see them soon enough.
Back indoors I realize Brussels sprouts and coors light is a bad choice. Seriously no bueno. I excuse myself to the bathroom and drain the vein. The asparagus funny smelling pee and the side effects of beer and brussels sprouts is a noxious combination that a defense contractor should weaponize it. It's pretty bad and not even cuban tobbaco can mask the smell.
I sit back down and continue to talk about guns and stuff with bart and the gang and bart asks who ruined the bathroom. I apologize as he sprays a bunch of febreze around and opens the balcony. I apolgize to brogel. He is not accepting my apology. (sorry :( )
Nearly 11, it's about time to pull chocks and mosey on down the dusty trail. I don't want to prompt an evacuation of the hotel due to noxious odors so I decide to leave and bart seems to be kinda mad that I've ripped ass and polluted the sanctuary of his hotel. Half a coors light and brussels sprouts are no bueno in my book now. Bart decides to party hard with his wife and I offer brogel a ride home. He seems skeptical to share a confined space with me after I have just destroyed bart's hotel room. The car has 4 windows and the Uber will cost him a few bucks he can put towards ammo. He relents as we head down to the garage to find my car. Thankfully we find it quickly and I manage to contain the weapons of ass destruction for the 16 minute ride off strip to casa de brogel.
He says I'm not that bad a dude and I agree as I hightail it to my hotel. I cannot find my hotel reservations so I call my travel agent to see.
Apparently the Wynn was not in my travel budget this year. I have come to find out I have been booked at Circus Circus, much to my chagrin. How bad could it be? I've stayed at the Wynn. I've stayed at Encore. I've stayed at the hotel that Elisabeth Shue's character got raped in in Leaving Las Vegas - but Circus Circus? Did I mention that I HATE CLOWNS? I HATE CLOWNS. Fuck.
I pull into the parking garage and the check in line resembles something straight out of the TSA line at Mccarran. 45 minutes to check in. The clerk is friendly and says he's also from Louisiana which is neat. He asks if I've stayed there before and I, being a connoisseur of old vegas history I decide to make a joke and I tell him the last time I was there, Jay Sarno owned the place. He got a laugh. I head up to my room and unpack. The lobby is clean as an old vegas casino can be, the room is clean and there's no way to plug anything in since the hotel predates personal electronic devices. I plug my phone into my external battery and collapse on the bed. I message Bart and chugbleach
instead of falling asleep about show tomorrow and I offer to pick bart up early since there is no shuttle from the cosmo. Tuesday, November 16th SHOT Show Day One
I awoke several hours later in a daze......the clock said 10AM. The show opened at 8:30. Fuck me to tears. I hurry up and get dressed and down to the sands convention center. The parking lot is FULL. The entire complex is a mess. When my man Steve Wynn built his joint he didn't build enough parking. So people would park at the Venetian and now FUCKING NOBODY CAN GET A PARKING SPACE. Holy shit. I eventually say fuck it and park over at the Wynn and walk over to the Sands. I meet up with a few of my regular suppliers and I see nothing interesting at all. Bart went to bed at 6AM after spending all night partying with his wife over at the palazzo. I joke and say that he just should have stayed there. Bart is amazed at the size of the show and we have lunch at the most disgusting place in las vegas - the convention center bistro snack bar. Bart is a wise man as he grabs a powerade and a fruit cup. I decide to try an "italian beef" and a fruit cup instead of fries to stay semi health conscious. The "italian beef" is the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten. It is flat out depressing. They give me fries with it and I demand a fruit cup. The sassy black woman working the stand asks me "DID YOU ASK FOR FRUIT? CAUSE RIGHT HERE SAYS FRIES" and I channel my inner Louis CK from the "this is how I talk" bit from SNL as I shoot back "WHY YOU FRONTIN ON ME I ASKED FOR FRUIT AND YOUR ASS BETTER BACK UP AND GET ME SOME FRUIT" so she goes back and gets me some fruit.
The "italian beef", my fruit cup, bart's fruit cup and powerade comes to $81. My platinum amex comes out and I treat bart to "lunch". We bullshit about guns and stuff in the Springfield booth as we wait at the world's worst concession stand. We eat and Bart is so hungover that he thinks he is in need of physical therapy and a wheelchair. There is no way he is going to party tonight before his trip home. Or so I think. Haha.
I meander around the show a bit more and I find this, the most USELESS PRODUCT OF 2017. It's made by a company called radetec. http://imgur.com/a/GOiCB
It's a shot counter. For your gun.
A digital odometer, for your gun.
The only person that would buy this is the guy like my dad that kept a spiral bound notebook in his car where he documented how many miles he traveled per tank, gallons dispensed, PRICE, service station and whether they had a different price for cash/charge, oil consumption, tire rotations, alignments, all services - scheduled or otherwise, and a running odometer. Does anyone know the gun owner who asks for a round count when they are looking at a used gun? The question I always shoot back is "do you want to be lied at a little or do you want to be lied at a lot?" because that's what you're asking for when you ask for round count.
UNLESS YOU BUY THIS PRODUCT!
I roll my eyes so far back into my head that I nearly lose my balance. This is idiotic. I cannot fathom anyone willing to buy this. What a waste of perfectly good exhibition space.
Bart heads back to his hotel after visiting SHOT show for a few hours, not getting any swag and to get an IV of fluids since he looked like he was rapidly approaching grim death.
I wrap up visiting prime vendors and checking out the new products, or lack thereof because I have something on the schedule. At 4:30 there's a suicide prevention for retailers seminar hosted by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. As many of you know this is an issue that is important to me and perhaps we as retailers should be doing more. The keynote was from their chief medical director talking about the accessibility of firearms and the mindset of the "typical" suicide. Mostly men. If you are a veteran you are at a significantly larger risk. The information was presented very not surprisingly and one of the things discussed was that we only spend around 21M a year on suicide prevention.
A few take away facts from the keynote:
When suicide barriers are put up on a bridge, suicide rates for the entire area drop. The key to preventing suicide is getting people to talk about their problems. Once you can get someone out of that mindset, they are statistically less likely to do it and live productive lives afterwards. There are certain terms that they are trying to get away from - for instance, they are not saying "committed suicide" they are now saying "died by suicide" in order to bring awareness and tell it like it is.
One thing that really was interesting to me was my reading on the flight in from Dallas. In The Tipping Point, Gladwell discusses how things stay the same and suddenly they all change. One of the things that he discusses is in micronesia - where teen suicide was practically unheard of became an outright epidemic. One teenager did it, for reasons passing understanding to me as an outsider and then all the other kids realized that they too could escape their pain by hanging themselves as well and suddenly the suicide rates in micronesia became so high to where it became a public health issue. I wish I could show you all the article I wrote on TTAG about my friend's death but it has been lost in the cloud and I am unable to find the last draft I sent to print, but it echoes some of the problems we have with suicide and mental health in the firearm industry.
After the keynote, the good doctor opened the floor up for questions. Her keynote posed a lot of statistics but not a lot of answers. I am a detail oriented granular data guy and I did not get a solid grasp of the AFSP solutions posed, if any.
Several firearm dealers discussed the lack of a cohesive solution and the takeaway was they're trying to develop awareness for the suicide problem. Their goal is to lower suicide rates but how they get there is yet to be determined. I didn't like hearing that and the comments from the crowd reflected the lack of a "here's what you can do TODAY to help this problem" part of the initiative.
Going around the room, one dealer who used NICS said that if a customer was just flat out acting funny - he'd lie to the customer and say there was a delay with NICS even though there was an approval just to get them to not be able to have a gun for a few days. The crowd applauded this initiative, however I'm not sure lying to customers is the best way to run a business and treat them with respect. Another dealer brought up an interesting point. When someone comes in looking to buy a gun and they don't know what kind of gun they want, what caliber, and are generally clueless - they're either buying a gun to kill themselves with, OR perhaps they are a very uneducated prospective customer - and there is no clear way of finding out which is which.
The problems presented by the AFSP are real. The solutions aren't there though. Yet. Ideally I'd like to see some change to that. However, there's some problems.
I hung around and asked the good doctor and her staff some questions and I am in no way denigrating her life's work and her dedication to preventing suicide since she has dedicated her life's work to the issue, but the conversation went something like this.
Did you do any research on the accessibility of firearms from a retailer from the legal standpoint?
"No, we haven't"
Do you know how the NICS or state POC background systems work in regard to mental health holds, etc?
One of the problems that I foresee right off the bat is that you talked about how you are fighting time, and if you can get someone out of that suicide mindset - even for a few hours, you can get them into that higher survival bracket. If we apply a one size fits all solution to it like California and put a 10 day wait on everything with the goal of protecting someone from their own life, how do we balance that with the needs of the woman who has been hiding from her abusive spouse and needs a gun right away?
"That's a good question that I don't have an answer for."
Their initiative, I admire - the lack of solutions is a little off putting however. I tell the doc about how my friend's suicide has impacted me and she seems to be sympathetic to the situation as does her colleagues. I am given her cards and told to call the next time I'm in New York so we can get together and discuss things within the industry. I'll give them a buzz in a few weeks when I'm up there on business. On my way out of the hall, I run into Massad Ayoob. Nice guy. I've admired his work over the years. Bart invites myself and chugbleach
to dinner, I can't reach Chug and even though I am beat I decide to hang out with Bart and Mrs Bart
Bart: What do you want to eat?
FC: Let's find a nice seafood restaurant and eat some red salmon, I feel a powerful lust for red salmon.
I begin vomiting.
God damn mescaline. Why the fuck can't they make it a little less pure?
We eventually head downstairs and order too much food. We are tired and not very hungry. Bart is still hungover and barely able to process food. His wife is grazing on all sorts of meat products. I am in awe of how they are both still upright after six nonstop nights of partying. I've only been here one day and I feel like I am about to die.
Dinner concludes with an awkward hug with bart's wife - I don't know how other men feel about wife hugs so I have just avoided the prospect entirely. Like flying through Denver on Frontier. Or flying on Frontier. Ever.
I drive over to the Wynn to set up my markers and the poker room is full. I draw a $2500 marker at the craps table and watch the game a bit. I have never played craps before in my life but the three people there seem to be having fun.
I look down at my phone and I realize a plane has landed. fluffy_butternut
has landed in Las Vegas on business. I had lost a bet and offered to pick him up from the airport. I cash back in my chips against my casino credit and head back to my car. I cannot find my car. Fuck. I wander the wynn garage which is covered in construction debris. I eventually find it and haul ass to the airport. Now, I didn't know this but fluffy has the WORST SENSE OF DIRECTION AT ALL. Seriously. I have no idea how he even made it to the correct city. He lands and has to get his bag and stuff and I circle the airport. He lets me know he's at door 77 wherever the fuck that was. I drive into the pickup portion and I see no sign. He then says he's coming up a level, and I tell him that I'll be there shortly. I park the car and Metro PD starts yelling.
Metro: You can't park your car here.
FC: Why not? Is this not a reasonable place to park?
Metro: Reasonable? You're on a sidewalk! This is the sidewalk!
I give the man a $20 and tell him to keep it running as I wander Mccarran screaming FLUFFY! HERE FLUFFY! I message fluffy to let him know I am the car parked on the sidewalk. I instantly figure out who he is having never seen a photo of him and I throw his bags into the car as we head for his hotel. I haul ass out of the airport and get the A3 on the highway.
Now this was a superior machine. Thirty nine grand worth of gimmicks and high-priced special effects. The rear windows lit up with a touch like frogs in a dynamite pond. The dashboard was full of esoteric lights and dials and meters that I would never understand.
We check in at the Rio where the desk clerk is friendly and flirty. I express amazement there is no line. Fluffy checks in and we take his bags upstairs and he offers to buy me food for driving him to the airport. I decline. We head to the bar anyways. He orders two beers and we decide to call chug. He's staying out in Summerlin or something because his company is apparently run by cheapskates. He asks if we want to hang out and shoot the shit. I say sure and ask if he wants us to pick up food or anything from CVS or something since I have the car and I'm able to do anything I want. He asks for some toothpaste. No problem. I may be an asshole on the internet but I have a heart of gold. We get some toothpaste get to the hotel.
Arriving at the lobby, we have no idea where he is. It turns out he gave us the address for the hotel across the street. We laugh and go to that lobby and shoot the shit till 3AM much to the chagrin of the hotel clerk. Fluffy has some beers and we plan on dinner the next day. I drive fluffy back and arrive at the hotel at 4. Fuck me to tears. Wednesday, January 18th. Day 2 of SHOT show.
Alarm goes off at 7:30 AM. I wash up, eat and get breakfast. In the garage by 8:15. Nice. I get some dillo dust and check out the new Sig 220 DA/SA and SAO legions. Daddy likey. I go to a competing firm and I piss of my state sales manager by telling him his newer designed triggers suck ass. He says the company tested them and they're the same in every way. I ask him why the triggers have two different part numbers in the catalog and how come they're not interchangeable and if that's really the case, how come there's X changes in the supposedly identical pistol parts that he's holding side by side. He gets mad at me and says I'm not an expert on their product and perhaps I should take his job since I'm so smart. I agree that I'm smart and I hold firm that if he didn't want me to complain about the shitty trigger, they should stop selling guns with shitty triggers. I am nearly kicked out of the booth.
I meet up with some of my wholesale reps and I'm mid convo when I see Itsgoodsoup
and his friend walking around the show. I yell SOUP but he does not hear me. So I grab his friend and find him and I tell him we should get together at dinner with fluffy and chug. He agrees.
The show winds down, I get some business done and nothing much else. We break for a shitty gunnit live lite and I take a few questions from the crowd in fluffy's suite at the Rio. Dinner is at 8 and we arrive at the restaurant late to find soup and his friend sitting at one table and chug and his girlfriend sitting at another. Perhaps we should have gotten here a little earlier. Hahaha. So, fluffy said the place is really good and I order a few of the specialties of the house. Apparently according to yelp they do a kickass peking duck. Soon to be mrs chug is a vegan. But we can eat meat in front of her. I wonder how it's served and Soup's vancouver raised asian friend tells me that they normally carve it tableside. Our vegan says as long as there's no head she's cool. We're not sure if they can fulfill that request. So we order and food starts coming out and we tell tall tales of shot show BS and other stuff. Sure enough, the duck comes out with the head. No bueno. Haha. But I decide to treat us to vegan donuts at the vegan bakery across the street later. Seven courses later we are full. Vegan bakery closed. I am committed to getting her some vegan donuts though. We head to Fremont street to gamble. Fluffy wanders about and we try craps and we're not impressed. We hit some slots and eventually I hit the craps table where chug explains the game to me. We start betting on dice. And somehow we start winning. I find that the house allows you to take 10X behind the line. No idea what this means so I plop $5 on the pass line and the point hits 6. I drop $50 behind it and it hits. We go a few rounds and leave ahead. It's 2:30 AM. Fuck. I drive everyone back to their hotel. I get to sleep around 4. Thursday, January 19th. Day 3 of SHOT show.
Wake up at 10AM feeling like crap. Debate whether to head straight to show and wander about. Fuck it. Went to halal guys for some halal. Delicious. Got vegan donuts. Dead drop them at the Palazzo lobby for chug and his girl. Show is a bust. Literally nothing exciting. Fluffy offers to buy me dinner. One of my customers who lives in Summerlin offers to take me to dinner. I pass on fluffy and he destroys the seafood buffet at the rio. I head to Sinatra at the Wynn for dinner with my customer. All good in the hood. Chug has been invited to the Glock dinneafter party and I'm not so we all go our separate ways. I call foghorn5950
and due to some weather, he's flying home early and our plans to hangout are fucked up unless I go tonight. I grab fluffy and we head to Whiskey Down. He orders a makers and I give him a funny look. I tell the waitress make it a bulleit. Everyone laughs. I talk shop with Jeremy also from TTAG and we shoot the shit over cigars and talk about useless products. Next thing we know, chug is out of the dinner and wandering the strip. We decide to meet up at the Linq. It takes us nearly 30 minutes to get out of Whiskey Down at MGM because the waitress was awful and messed up everyone's tab. It was a fucking disaster. To boot, MGM is now charging for parking.
FC: What a bunch of fucking jews
Fluff: You should just tailgate that lady in front of you out and screw them out of the $7
FC: I should
We pull behind her and watch as she gets flustered at the awful parking machine. Her nevada license plate says VETERAN. As the gate goes up we haul ass and screw MGM out of $7. I shout "THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE" out the window as we blow right by her up to the Linq. Through fluffy's awful navigation, we wind up at the loading dock for the Linq. Eventually we find chug and gf hanging at the penny slots. They are holding vegan donuts, which she is very appreciative of. Least I could do after showing her the head. Fluffy plays the House of Cards slot machine.
He stuck $100 in, played for 6 minutes and then got really mad and hit the cash out button and $80 was left after 5 minutes.
ITS EXACTLY LIKE THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT!
Chug's gf asks to play a special slot machine called kitty glitter. We ask and the linq does not offer it but Harrahs next door does. So we head over there and the slot tech finds the kitty glitter machine. Fluffy sticks a C note in there and tells her to play and have a blast. So she's banging away at the one armed bandit WHEN SUDDENLY I HEAR THE SOUND.
It's PUTTIN ON THE RITZ in shitty .wav file internal speaker format. Hahah. She's just hit the progressive jackpot on the penny KITTY GLITTER machine. THIS PLACE IS AWESOME! We cash out after some play and a good time was had by all. I dump off fluffy at the rio since it was very close and drive everyone else back. It's late, I'm tired and the Palace Station oyster bar is open 24 hours......I head over there and there's a 45 minute wait.
So, I pull out my backup bankroll and using everything chug and fluffy have taught me about craps I belly up to the $3 min table where they let you take 10x behind the line. I'm still learning and the table is slow so one of the boxmen start explaining the game to me.
Box: So if you place the 6 or the 9 or individual numbers you can bet those but you gotta pay a little juice on it like a commission
Me: Like when you buy the hook? short pause
Box: Yeah! Exactly like that! You got this!
So I played a little and went up a bit and down a bit. As you do. Plunked $5 down on the pass line and took full odds and the point hit. This game is pretty cool! So I hung around and watched for about an hour and finally decided to eat my winnings. I take $5 off my stack and, drop it on the pass line and announce dealer bet - $5 to pass. It hits. The dealers love me.
Maybe Vegas isn't so bad after all. http://imgur.com/a/LGhDj
I have the pan roast at the oyster bar. No line. It is DELICIOUS. I get back to the hotel at 5AM. I don't care when I wake up. Friday, January 20th. Day 4 of SHOT show.
Wake up around noon feeling like crap. Go to show. Debate destroying milk cart with wheels with an ax borrowed from fire station. Decide against it. Gas up car and find myself out by palace station again. Played some craps, hit the buffet and went for an early sleep.
It's midnight. The neighbors in my the hotel are having sex. A LOT OF SEX. I can hear everything. I gently knock on the door. No answer. I knock slightly harder. No answer. I head back to my room and close the door just as I hear their door open. I zoom back out to find a puzzled middle aged stocky and perhaps sticky Latino man looking both ways.
I get in his line of sight.
Me: Hey. I'm next door. It sounds like you're having a lot of fun. I get it. I really do. In fact I haven't had sex since the bush administration so I'm gunning for you man I really am. But it's midnight and I have a 6am flight and a rental car to return. So trust me when I say I'm really happy for you but if you don't mind I really need to get some sleep tonight okay?
The awkward silence is deafening. He nods without saying a word and mouths okay. I give him a manly nod and thumbs up.
Me: thanks. I'd shake your hand or fist bump but well you know.....
I give him a peace sign as he goes back into his little pleasure palace and I turn to realize that I have just locked myself out of my room. I am wearing boxers, a tshirt and barefoot. I head downstairs to the lobby. The check in at the front desk resembles the TSA line at Mccarran. Normally I would not be this rude but desperate times call for desperate measures.
The line is 50 people deep. I walk past every person. Fuck your queue. I approach the desk where someone is helping a guest and I raise my right hand as if I were in a deposition to get them to stop. The staff and guest looks puzzled as the angry barefoot man clad in nothing but boxers and a "uzi does it" tshirt approaches the desk.
Me: excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt. I have an emergency. I'm up on 8 and my neighbors are having a lot of sex. I mean a LOT of sex.
(This is the same front desk clerk who actually checked me in Monday night by coincidence looks back at me very awkwardly and puzzled.)
Me: this isn't your regular sex. I'm talking this is your (I begin air humping the front desk and slapping the granite counter with my palm and grunting loudly) sex. You could hear the plan B packaging open.
At this point - the ENTIRE FRONT DESK STAFF HAS STOPPED CHECKING IN GUESTS. The people in line and are watching the show. The clerk is stunned. Speechless. Shock and awed. Crapped out and busted. The women are covering their children's eyes and ears. The men are wondering if this show requires a 2 drink minimum.
Me: now I get this is Vegas. Everyone wants a good time. It's midnight. My flight leaves at 6 which means I have to be up by 4. And this just isn't working. So I asked them to keep it down and I locked myself out of my room. So if you can make me another key or move me I'd appreciate it.
The clerk nods.
Clerk: of course. may I see your ID?
Years of ballet have prepared me for this day. I step back to make sure my genitals are still ensconced in my boxers as I pirouette and gesticulate wildly.
Me: DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE ID?
The floor manager steps over and asks me to head down to the end of the desk where she will make me a key. I give her the room number and thank her after she offers to have security sent up to shutdown the best little whorehouse in Vegas. I tell her it may not be necessary. As I take my keys and walk away the people in line break out in raucous applause.
I take a bow and miraculously my boxer shorts don't rip. These people are my subjects and I have been crowned the the king of the three ring circus that is the circus circus lobby. Im offered a $1 tip from a kind soul but I decline.
My walk back to the hotel elevator bank is uneventful. So much so that I realize it is going too well. The other shoe, if I were wearing one felt as if it was about to drop. Suddenly a dumbass in a rascal scooter is heading toward me at flank speed as his head is turned to look at everyone BEHIND HIM. There's no way this will end well.
For you gentle readers joining us mid conversation - it's midnight and I need to be at the airport in 4.5 hours. I can just see it now. (Cue the harp noises)
Scene: Emergency room
Nurse: Allergic to anything? Me: NKDA Nurse: cause of injury? Me: what's the IC10 code for "run down by drunken buffoon on motorized wheelchair?"
I saw my life and confirmed upgraded first class seats home being given away by the Mccarran gate agent flash before my eyes and my catlike reflexes kicked in and I jumped to my left into the wall, mid 1960's Las Vegas union construction being the path of least resistance. Think "The Bodyguard" with Kevin Costner.
The buffoon barely realizes what happens. Children are amazed. "HEY MOM! Look! That guy just ran into a wall!"
Me: it was that OR GET RUN DOWN BY SOME JACKASS ON A GODDAMN SCOOTER GOING FULL SPEED DRIVING LIKE A....
I look down and a midwestern nuclear family with two children of formative age are waiting for the elevator. I change my last word.
I look over to the parents.
Me: I'm really sorry. This is a family joint and I shouldn't have cursed the drunken scooter driver like that. Sorry kids.
Parent: no big deal. They've heard fucking worse.
I crack a smile at her word choice. Fucking worse. Yeah. That sounds like my evening.
After jumping into a wall, I'm now wide awake and unable to go back to sleep. I make the plane and push on time. The 737 comes to a stop short of the runway and holds. Something is wrong. The pilots come on and say that they loaded more cargo and passengers than planned so they have to redo their numbers. We're waiting on the taxiway with both engines running as they do this and the waiting music comes on. What's the first song?
Whitney Houston - "I Will Always Love You"
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